4/19/21
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful-future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above all these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
- “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath.
When my eyes first graced the pages of this book, I was alarmed at how much I resonated with this character. To feel so alone, overwhelmed by a million “what-ifs”, and unable to grasp a single one out of fear for making an irreversible mistake.
Within the past year, I’ve explored parts of myself I didn’t know existed. Whether they were there and revealed themselves to me for the first time, or they were new and profound—showing me a new world in which I wanted to be a part of, they gave me opportunity to explore my many avenues of self.
I’ve thought about being a photographer, an author, a fashion designer, a stylist, a surf-shop owner, a yoga instructor, a history professor, a philosophy professor, an editor, a publishing company owner, a professional blogger, an English teacher in Spain, a travel photographer and blogger, a youtuber, a lawyer, a videographer, a tattoo artist, and the list goes on.
All these figs on my tree paint a beautiful picture of my future—all representing a strong part of my personality and the things that I love. Every decision feels right in some way, yet all of them are imperfect.
There are times I sit at the bottom of my fig tree and look up, balancing on each branch in my mind and walking to the end to see what life would be like.
But the beauty of this metaphor is that much like real life, no branch is straight to get the fig on the end.
In my mind, I’m able to simply walk to the fig, but if I were to get up and try—I’d need to scale the trunk, climb past all the other branches without losing my footing, and then attempt to walk on a branch that may be as thin as my arm to get to a fig.
But in this world of what-ifs… what if I fall? But instead of falling back down to the bottom of the tree, I fall on a branch just a few feet down. I lay on my stomach, holding on for dear life, and raise my eyes to see a fig that glows with an aura of warmth. Suddenly, this fig seems to make so much more sense than the one I originally was climbing towards.
And at this point we must ask ourselves, is it better to get back up and go to the original just because it was what you decided on? Or is it better to embrace where you wound up?
We also must ask ourselves if we are willing to even begin the climbing of the trunk.
Or if we’d prefer to sit at the base, and imagine.
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The future is not some magical place, it’s the day after today, and then the day after that, for the rest of your life until you wake up and your “now” is the future you were so afraid of.
“Now” is the only time you will ever experience. The past is no longer, and the future does not yet exist.
So how can we make sure decisions if this is the case?
We just begin the climb, and pay attention.
The opportunities you’re presented with that could occur as randomly as a bird stopping to rest on one of your branches will change your life. To smell the sweet berries grasped in their claws, awakening a desire that laid dormant in your heart your whole life.
Or maybe, you walked to the end of a branch, got the fig, took a bite and realized you hate the taste.
You don’t have to keep eating it.
You can put it down, and swing to another.
The best part is, sometimes they’re right next to each other.
The best thing you can do for yourself is start climbing, and listen to your heart.
You know yourself better than anyone else, and you need to show yourself compassion and have patience.
There is no need to rush, your life does not stop when you turn 30.
You could turn 38 and meet someone who changes your life, or explore a new job opportunity that excites you heart and follow it.
To lock ourselves into the idea that there is one ultimate fig, is unfair and untrue.
People always reference a Japanese principle when talking about personal belongings—“only keep it if it sparks joy”.
Should you not look at your life the same way?
Start a hobby. If it sparks joy, awakens something in you, or excites you, follow that. Begin your walk down that tree branch.
Most often, the base of one branch may split into two. You can follow a path from the original branch that doesn’t exist in any other branch because your heart wants to—and it’s because you just started walking.
Most importantly, you must trust yourself. No decision is perfect, but if you follow your heart and start walking, you will wind up somewhere. And it will be somewhere you love, not even because it’s meant to be, but because you created it and you followed yourself.
Your journey will not be linear, but as you can see from… literally everything above… that’s the best thing you could possibly wish for.
And when you finally settle down and let your legs hang, you eat the fruits of your life; all tailored to the flavors your heart wanted, and satiating the hunger you felt for so long.